Ringtones: Starved For Attention

Cell phone technology has bypassed convenience into the neighborhood of necessity. Trends show that cell phones are replacing land lines in homes and instant messaging via cell phone is replacing face to face conversation. This new way of life, however, comes at a very large price: me having to hear your cell phone ring blare out the latest musical stylings of Kanye West and Maroon 5.

Why do people believe that a song blasting from their phone upon each incoming call is somehow noteworthy? Don't get me wrong. I'm not the grumpy old man who is yelling at the youngsters to turn the music down. I love music and weave purposefully selected tunes throughout the show every week. Music is vital. Me hearing your idea of good or clever music EVERY TIME someone calls you, however, borders on moronic. Here's what we non-morons believe is going on.

MORONS REQUIRE OTHERS TO HEAR THEIR MUSIC
In the 80s morons used ghetto blasters (or, if you prefer, the less ethnic 'jambox') for this purpose. Music was no longer a private pursuit. "I like MC Hammer and everyone needs to know!" In the 90s it was trash-can-lid-sized car speakers distributing thumping bass that would rattle both windows and dental fillings. Luckily, history shows us that the life span for these types of displays goes from amazement ("That portable radio is the size of a refrigerator...cool!") to disdain ("How many times in a row can one possibly enjoy an MC Hammer song?") to outright ridicule ("What an idiot...who still carries a jambox around?"). So if songs as ringtone are the annoying public music display of the 00s they, like their ancestors, will eventually go away. Do us a favor and expedite that process.

MORONS REQUIRE OTHERS TO MARVEL AT THEIR TECHNOLOGICAL PROWESS Your ability to insert a song as a ringer does not impress us. It does not take talent for anyone (the phone owner and the countless innocent that must share in your love for Nickleback or the Sex and the City theme) to download any song off the internet in 10 seconds. It's lost it's novelty.

MORONS REQUIRE OTHERS TO KNOW HOW MUCH THEIR DEDICATED TO THEIR MUSIC
Certain people incapable of developing their own identity can attempt to claim one through their love of a musical artist or genre. Their new identity might say, "I'm depressed and Vitaman D-free just like Robert Smith from The Cure," or "Howdy, y'all. My Wranglers are pressed and my hat is shaped just like George Strait's." We assume, in public, other George Strait-jeaned-and-hatted folks can easily identify one another as kindred and birth a new country and western microsociety. The song blast ringer cuts through that. Now, upon each incoming call, Rhianna can cry out like a mating call immediately attracting others who may also need to stand under an umbrella.
People aren't as excited about JT (or Rhianna or Usher or Carrie Underwood, etc etc etc) as you are...I promise.

MORONS DESPERATELY NEED ATTENTION
Boiled down to its essence, the only reason you have a song as a ringtone is to be stared at. When the phone starts singing, everyone around you will invariably search out the source. You like it when we look at you when your phone goes off. Perhaps the only thing more annoying than the snippet of Brooks and Dunn blaring for all to hear is that little smirk you give when we look at you. You're thinking, "Yeah...that's right...my ringtone is Flo Rida...pretty cool, huh?"

No. We promise. It really isn't.